


Yellow

by suiseihoneymoon



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: A LOT of Angst, Angst, M/M, OC appearance, Unrequited Love, anxiety and depression, but just mentions, im sorry its just angst, no happy ending, purely self indulgent, short bokuto appearance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-01
Updated: 2020-09-01
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:01:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,717
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26230816
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/suiseihoneymoon/pseuds/suiseihoneymoon
Summary: Look at the starsLook how they shine for youAnd all the things you doFor you, I'd bleed myself dry
Relationships: Kozume Kenma/Kuroo Tetsurou
Comments: 9
Kudos: 38





	Yellow

**Author's Note:**

> hello!!! firstly thank you for clicking on this fic!! i took (stole) inspiration from [here](https://twitter.com/sunshinoya/status/1272811654607224835?s=20)! secondly here are some heads ups! i tried my best to follow the events that happened in canon with my own input, but if it strayed please forgive me!!! also!!! i know kenma has long hair because of his anxiety but please, let me believe that it was just a cover for him liking kuroo,,, just this once,,, 
> 
> this fic was kindly beta-ed by [Bagaralla](https://twitter.com/Bagarella25) on twitter, she's amazing please do check her out!!! and with that please enjoy!!! (ahahha)

**_7 years old_ **

Kenma is seven when he first meets Kuroo. Kuroo’s mom brought him over to Kenma’s to introduce themselves in the hopes that Kuroo would make friends with his neighbours. 

Kenma has no interest in the ongoing conversation between both mothers, instead choosing to focus on Kuroo’s movements and behavior. 

Kuroo looks scared, and hides behind his mother. His mother chides him for not greeting his neighbours, and he shifts the slightest inch to say good afternoon.

_I wanna go back to playing games…_

Kuroo’s mother has other ideas, and leaves Kuroo at Kenma’s house to play. Kuroo remains quiet, and his eyes dart around Kenma’s room in nervousness. Kenma, for lack of better ideas, suggests playing _Virtua Fighter._

Kuroo isn’t the best at it and starts off a little clumsily, but he’s a fast learner. He picks up the controls of the game quicker than Kenma expects, and Kenma thinks playing with Kuroo isn’t as bad as he thought.

Kuroo ends up going over to Kenma’s house whenever his parents aren’t home.

**_11 years old_ **

Kenma is eleven when he realises he likes hanging out with Kuroo. Kuroo has moved on to middle school while Kenma is still in elementary school and it’s the first time Kuroo and Kenma don’t spend more than half the day together.

Kuroo is a little busier than he was in elementary school, having less time to play football with the friends he used to play with because of volleyball practice but still finding free time to spend with Kenma.

On a day when Kuroo is slightly busier, Kenma spends his day alone. He spends his day playing _Pokemon Diamond_. 

As he advances through the towns, grinding his Pokemon for the next gym leader, he finds that he misses Kuroo. 

He misses the side comments Kuroo makes when Kenma is forming his team of Pokemon to take on the next gym leader. He misses the kind of attention Kuroo gives Kenma when he is playing a particularly hard game. He misses the small details in the game Kuroo picks out that Kenma fails to notice. _He misses Kuroo._

Kenma only wishes that they weren’t a year apart. 

**_13 years old_ **

Kenma turns thirteen, and he finally enters middle school. Kuroo manages to convince him to join the volleyball club with him. Kuroo is full of pride when he introduces Kenma to the team, saying that Kenma will be the best setter the team’s ever had. Kenma’s just glad that he has more time with Kuroo. 

Their school schedule hardly matches up however, so they only really get to spend time to and from school, during training, or on weekends. 

It’s a Sunday, and the both of them are just chilling in Kenma’s room, with Kuroo working on his assignments and Kenma playing a first person shooter game that Kuroo hasn’t heard of on his PSP. 

It’s all peace and quiet, until while Kenma’s in the middle of a game, Kuroo suddenly puts down his pen and asks, “Kenma, what kind of girls do you think you’d like?”

Kenma, taken aback but too engrossed in his game, simply replies, “I don’t know, I never really thought about that. Why the sudden question?”

Kuroo stares at the ceiling as he answers, “Hmm, the guys in my class have been talking about it recently. One of them brought a magazine to school and sparked a whole discussion about it.”

Kenma pays little attention to what Kuroo says, but curiosity takes over him. “What about Kuro?” 

Kuroo puts a hand on his chin, eyes looking up as though imagining it himself. “I think I’d like girls with long hair! I haven’t thought so much about personality, though.” 

Kenma’s attention drifts from his game as he thinks of the image of his best friend with another girl, and he frowns instinctively. He dislikes it, but for what reason, he does not know. For now, he pushes the thought aside and shifts his focus back to his game.

**_15 years old_ **

Kenma is fifteen years old when he realises he has feelings for his childhood best friend. 

He likes that the small details about Kenma do not escape Kuroo’s observing eyes. He likes that amongst the sea of classmates and club mates, Kuroo chooses to spend time with Kenma. He likes that despite being the big volleyball addict that he is, Kuroo chooses to take interest in the games Kenma plays.

Most importantly, Kenma likes that whenever he is experiencing his insecurities, Kuroo is there to speak reassuring words, sometimes hold Kenma as emotions overtake him and tears start to fall, never leaving until Kenma is healed once again.

Kenma subconsciously cuts his hair less often. He’d like to think that it’s because of his anxiety in public, but a nagging voice at the back of his mind tells him it has something to do with Kuroo. No one really notices though, since his hair has always been bordering on long, except for one. Kuroo makes passing comments about his slightly longer hair and teases Kenma, saying that he could pass as a girl, but one glance at Kuroo’s eyes tells Kenma that Kuroo is referring to more than just his appearance.

Kenma is in his third year of middle school, Kuroo is in his first year of high school, and Kenma once again misses the presence of the ever so loud but endearing rooster head. 

**_17 years old_ **

Kenma is seventeen when Kuroo graduates from high school. 

On the day of the graduation ceremony, Kenma waits outside the gymnasium until Kuroo is done. If things go well, he might just confess.

When Kuroo comes out of the gymnasium, graduation scroll in hand and chatting with a few friends, Kenma leans against a pillar and waits until Kuroo is done before he makes his way over. 

As Kenma approaches Kuroo, Kuroo’s smile widens and he waves at Kenma.

“Kenma! I didn’t expect you to be here! Don’t you have class now?”

“Class ended a while ago. I came to see you.”

Kenma also notices that Kuroo’s third button of his uniform has been removed. 

Coincidentally, Kuroo digs around in his pocket to draw out a small pouch and passes it to Kenma. ****“Thank you, Kenma. Here, I wanted to go find you at your classroom to pass this to you but since you’re here already, might as well give it to you now.”

Kenma accepts the pouch, and looks in it to see a button. He is surprised, but regards Kuroo with apprehension. 

Kuroo looks a little embarrassed, but explains, “You’re a friend I hold very dearly to my heart, so I wanted to give this to you as a form of appreciation.”

Kenma studies Kuroo’s face carefully. It is indeed one of sincerity, but also one completely void of romantic interest. He lets out a small sigh, and replies, “Thank you, Kuro. I’ll keep this properly. Sorry I didn’t manage to bring something.”

A wide smile breaks out on Kuroo’s face as he claps Kenma on the back and starts rambling on about what had happened during the graduation ceremony.

And with that, all plans of confessing are thrown out the window.

**_20 years old_ **

Kenma is now 20 and Kuroo, 21. They have graduated from high school and are both in university, albeit in different prefectures. They still meet up at least once a month or two to catch up with each other and just hang out, although admittedly less. Sometimes, they opt to video call each other instead due to their busy schedules.

****

Kenma is in his dorm room, small phone screen in front of him with Kuroo’s face on it. Kuroo is telling Kenma about the guy who’s blatantly hitting on their professor during class and making an embarrassment out of himself because it’s just so obvious that the professor hasn’t the slightest interest in him, and even though Kenma is listening, he’s thinking about how he would much rather physically be with Kuroo, but in comfortable silence and with soft longing glances.

****

“Oi, Kenma, are you even listening?” 

****

Kenma snaps out of his slight daze and replies, “Huh? Yeah I am.”

****

“Liar. I may not be physically there but I can still tell when you’re not paying attention.”

****

“Yeah, yeah.” He pauses for a moment, before looking away and mumbling, “It’s lonely here.”

****

Kuroo’s eyes widen a little when he hears that, and he lets out an awkward chuckle. “Wow, that’s rich, coming from you. Isn’t Hinata studying in the same school as you?”

****

“Not the same as when you’re around.”

****

Kuroo barks out a laugh at that. “You’ll get used to it. Find a girlfriend or something- oh! Speaking of girls, have I told you about the one in my economics lecture yet? Man, she’s cute! Her name’s Kujou. Kujou Isuzu.”

****

Kenma hears a faint voice in the background. Bokuto, he thinks. “Kuroo, for real? I’ve heard you introduce her for like the 74th time already!” 

****

“Shut up! She’s nice, okay! She shares her notes with the class, Bokuto. Do you know how terrible the professor is at teaching? And not just that, she’s patient, kind, and funny. Don’t you get it?! Oh don’t you roll your eyes, you were like this when you talked about Akaashi last time as well.”

****

At this point, Kenma isn’t listening to the friendly banter between Bokuto and Kuroo anymore. All he knows is that he feels a little sick to the stomach, and that there are tears prickling at the corner of his eyes, small enough to not be noticed across a camera. 

****

He picks up the courage to speak. “Hey Kuro. I gotta go, I promised a friend that I’d game with him.”

****

Kuroo stops mid sentence in the midst of his banter with Bokuto. “Huh? You gotta go? Alright, I’ll see you soon? Don’t stay up too late gaming again alright?” 

****

Kenma feels a sob rising at the back of his throat, but he forces it down and replies monotonously, “Yeah. See you.” and he hangs up before the tears threaten to spill. 

****

He puts his phone down and trudges over to his bed before he drops on the bed and curls into himself. 

****

Kenma doesn’t cry often. More often than not, he’s the one comforting those who are crying (read: Kuroo). But when he does, he does so silently. Silently, and alone. So that he doesn’t have to hear the sympathetic voices and attempts to comfort him when none of them work. He cries to his heart’s content, till he runs out of tears, till exhaustion takes over him. 

**_22 years old_ **

Kenma finally advances to his final year of university and Kuroo has graduated. They continue to meet occasionally, despite Kenma being busy with final year responsibilities and Kuroo just starting out with the work world. 

Kenma scrolls through the list of games coming out that month while waiting for Kuroo to arrive at their agreed meeting point. Kuroo arrives a little after 5 minutes and apologises for making Kenma wait, before they make their way to a nearby cafe the two of them frequent together.

Halfway into their food, Kuroo says, “Oh right, I forgot to mention to you the other day while we were calling, but I’m finally attached.” He has a shy smile on his face and a slight blush on his cheeks. For a split second, Kenma’s mind blanks out. He should have expected it, for all the times that Kuroo mentions her in almost every call they make and every time they meet or the times he talks about how happy he is when he spends time with her. Or the time he told Kenma that he wanted to confess. Kenma should have expected it, but he still feels like he has been hit with a freight train. 

At the end of the day, Kuroo was never interested in Kenma, after all. 

“That’s great. If I recall correctly, is it Kujou?”

Surprised, Kuroo replies, “Yeah, it is. I’m surprised you remember.”

Kuroo probably doesn’t expect Kenma to remember, thinking that most of his attention is focussed on his games, but since when has Kenma ever forgotten anything that’s important to Kuroo, heart wrenching as it may be?

Kenma forces himself to look at Kuroo, his pained smile gone unnoticed under Kuroo’s bashfulness. “I’m happy for you. I hope you two last long.” 

Kuroo has a really wide smile on his face, and Kenma wishes that Kuroo smiled that way for him instead.

Even still, Kenma does not cut his hair. Kenma waits, and he hopes.

**_25 years old_ **

Kenma turns 25. Both Kenma and Kuroo have successful careers, Kenma being one of the most prominent figures in the gaming world and Kuroo himself landing a much coveted position in the Japan Volleyball Association. 

They’re chilling in Kenma’s room, Kenma playing _Monster Hunter_ while Kuroo observes. 

“Kenma, why don’t you cut your hair?”

Kenma regards Kuroo with his usual stoic expression. “Wasn’t I given hell for this in high school? Same old, I still feel anxious if my field of vision is too wide, so I can’t cut my hair.”

The atmosphere tenses up slightly, and Kuroo looks at him with an expression filled with doubt. Kuroo knows. 

Kenma looks away. He did not need Kuroo to press on the issue. Fortunately, Kuroo doesn’t, instead steering the conversation towards the game mechanics. 

Kenma is thankful, but he is also in anguish.

When Kuroo leaves, Kenma lies on his bed, a wave of exhaustion immediately washes over him. After Kuroo pointed out about cutting his hair, Kenma has been on edge, afraid that he might slip up or that Kuroo might gloss over the topic again. His insecurities resurface, as he thinks of the times that he has felt inadequate as Kuroo’s friend or just over him as a person in general. He is still noticeably awkward in social situations and prefers to keep to himself as much as he can. Despite all that, Kuroo has never left Kenma’s side, always repeating the same reassuring words whenever he notices.

That night, Kenma repeats the action he has been doing ever so often for the past 3 years. Facing the bathroom mirror, he holds a pair of scissors in his hands and brings it up to his hair. His hands move to close the blades around the strands, but just before they do, his hands stop. He puts the scissors down with shaking hands, looking at his reflection in the mirror. For the umpteenth time, he sits on his bathroom floor, cries, cries, and cries.

_Ahh, I really am pathetic._

_**29 years old** _

At 29 years old, Kenma attends his first wedding reception. It is Kuroo and Kujou’s. 

__

As most people would have expected, Kenma is Kuroo’s best man. Kenma was initially reluctant, but at the end of the day, he just couldn’t say no to Kuroo. 

__

Kenma makes an unexpectedly emotional speech for Kuroo’s wedding. He feels like crying a little himself.

__

Not because he’s unhappy that Kuroo is getting married, though. He’s happy Kuroo finds his happiness in Kujou. 

__

Instead, he feels like weeping for the days when Kuroo talks about the girl he’s taken attention to, for the days when he almost cuts his hair in surrender, for the times Kuroo drops hints to Kenma that Kuroo has no such feelings for Kenma.

__

Yet, Kenma just cannot bring himself to weep when Kuroo is smiling so brightly and he looks like he has everything he needs in the world right in front of him.

__

In Kuroo’s speech, he makes his thanks and expresses his unending gratitude to Kenma for the support he gives as a friend and for sticking throughout the years. 

__

Time passes like a blur, and before Kenma knows it, the reception has ended, and Kenma has reached home. 

__

Kenma just wants to sleep, but he knows he can’t. Not yet. And this time, there’s just no more running away from it. 

__

Kenma walks to the kitchen. He takes a pair of scissors in hand, and goes to the bathroom. Facing the mirror, he lets down his hair. Then, he brings up the scissors. This time, the blades meet the strands. 

**Author's Note:**

> notes: in kuroo's graduation scene, it was mentioned that kuroo gives his third button on his uniform to kenma. for those who don't know, it's a (disappearing?) tradition in japan for graduating students. the first five buttons on their uniform each have a meaning, so the first button represents oneself, the second button represents one's most beloved, the third represents best friend and so on! 
> 
> anyways thanks for reading all the way!!! i hope it was a good read and i am terribly sorry i put kenma through all that pain, i love kuroken i swear i do i will definitely make up for it!!!!!! thank you again!!!! 
> 
> make friends with me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/miyucloud)!!!!


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